theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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