How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
