my phone needs a breathalizer
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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