he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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