my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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