if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
