Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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