So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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