I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
