Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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