Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
