my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
