Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
