Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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