I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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