Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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