He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize