whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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