The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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