oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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