I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
