his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I know her cup size but not her name....
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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