Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize