apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
