If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
