today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
