Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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