She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
