What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
