At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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