he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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