I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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