I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
