is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
