I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize