I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
