Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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