Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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