Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
