I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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