I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
i out mim tonsoeep
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