I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I have fence marks all over my body
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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