I think im going to throw up on grandma
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Randomize
