I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
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