You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
