I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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