So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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