Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
