In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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