You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize
