I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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