i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
