the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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