You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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