Four minutes until I can fart!
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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